Freeform Monday Yay!

Hey readers!

Today I’m going to again be talking about a girl, not because I’m fixated on her specifically. In my vanity, I’m fixated on what it represents about myself. Truth be told, it felt like she was fixated on me and then, you already know if you’re following my work, she dropped it cold. Not cold in that we still went on our date, but there was a tide that I could never turn. I want to spend a little time unpacking that, for my own clarity, but I also want to share some lessons that hopefully you can take from me.

It began simply, as all things do; complexity is simple gears working in time. We were cliché and matched on an app. I don’t like dating, and I use it just to scroll. It’s an ego boost to me because I get a lot of matches, and that seems to be something relatively unique. I know why, but I’m not going to gas myself up. The short of it is I don’t like dating; I find the whole thing cumbersome, annoying, and trite. It’s unfortunate the average woman does nothing for me, not that they aren’t pretty and sweet, but I’ve always needed something different. I’ve never been conventional or easy. I’m hard and I’m bristly, and in truth, I wouldn’t make most women happy. They’d get exhausted by my desires and my inability to sleep. They’d find me ornery or unwilling to be in one place. My first wife had all these complaints, and she never stopped making them. We loved each other, but I knew I couldn’t change.

This brings me to her. She seemed … different. Not in some way that she’s not like other girls—all men and women share mostly the same desires—it was that she was off, and she wasn’t at all mundane. I loved that. I couldn’t get enough of conversations that weren’t about my life or my past or my job. I twinge and I cringe when I hear those because I’m not that. I can’t stand sitting still and doing the same thing day in and day out. She inherently got that and had no desire to partake. I could tell she knew my jokes, she knew my hobbies, she shared my passions, she wanted my dreams. It moved fast, or my emotions did. It’s probably because I don’t date; I have no desire. Generally, a hand and cider are more than enough, and I would prefer to focus on my work, my art, and my next adventure. I’m a cat like that.

She got it. She could just see what I mean. She wanted to travel by herself, she would write poetry and draw, she didn’t care about her work and wanted only to play. More than that, she told me, “I have so much joy for the world.” It never hurt that she was beautiful to me. But things don’t work like that. One moment and things can never last. I won’t get into it; it’s really not important, but she changed in a few short moments, and that was it. The image was shattered. I knew, and maybe I hoped I was wrong. I should have never seen her. I should have just given it a pass. I didn’t. Or maybe I was right to go, or I never would have known?

It passed, and we spent hours together, seven exactly. I could tell, though, she wasn’t with me, not fully. That one moment, and she had left already. It’s fine, really it is. I just wish she would have gone away and not given me some time, just cut the cord and said no. I’ll never see her again. She made that very clear.

My lesson for you is twofold.

1. Do not settle, and look for someone who does what she did for me. There are people who get you, and you can find them, and they’ll come. It takes time, and it’s messy, but don’t rush. Seriously, spend time with yourself, and I think you’ll understand: when you are you, others will see.
2. If you’re like me and you know the conclusion, just jump to it. Don’t make it hurt and be harder. I’m done, and I’m sure she’s moved on. I’ve resigned myself to that, and I won’t hear from her again. If I ever, by the off chance, did, I would tell her, “I’m sorry, but a moment to decide to leave what could have been—that’s not something that’s okay with me.”

So, readers, you know part of the story and why I was so hung up. I’ve genuinely moved on and come to peace with it. It’s not her that was the fixation; it was an imagined world where there’s someone who truly got me and saw it through my lens. I hope she finds happiness and keeps that joy. I’ll make sure that I keep mine as well, and maybe one day she’ll remember those texts and those moments, and she’ll smile one last time for me.

Signing off for this episode of Freeform Monday!